i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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