so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
