I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
