Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize