I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
