Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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