If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
