if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
