You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
