Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Acid is not a monday night drug
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
