youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
