Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
