i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize