I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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