Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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