plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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