You're my little dorito
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
