Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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