Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
