The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
