Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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