I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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