i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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