Will you blow on my dice?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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