Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
