Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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