I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
