hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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