I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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