I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
