The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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