When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
