Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
