you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
as a side note pls kill me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
