dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
