how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
