Fine. I'll sleep in my office
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
