Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize