when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
