also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
