Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
