proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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