shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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