I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So drunk its hurt
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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