Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
