You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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