This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
