One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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