You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
