Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
