I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
