i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
