Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
