at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
