You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
