She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize