She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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