i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
