Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
